


We are all dying inside

by ThatsSoEdgy



Category: Dear Evan Hansen
Genre: Alana want some to kill Jared, Connor is a cool dude, Diauloge, F/F, Jared is one memey boi, M/M, This is gonna be trash, Zoe is so sweet, and fluff, groupchat, sickfic???, there will be angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-09-05 00:14:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16799878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatsSoEdgy/pseuds/ThatsSoEdgy
Summary: Ok so this is a fic with the teens of Deh. Connor isn’t dead (YEE). But there will be problems and fluff all mixed in one!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Lmao I’m back. Also jellybeans are nice aren’t they????  
> So I hope you enjoy this trash. Have a nice day or night!

Chapter 1:Why did you add us?

Bthbmbcrnch has added Treeboi,UrMum,Jazzsnazz and Momfriend to the chat

Bthbmbcrnch: Lol hi  
UrMum: Ew what  
UrMum has left the chat.  
Bthbmbcrnch has added UrMum to the chat.  
Bthbmbcrnch: Ha you can’t escape the memes EdgeLord!  
UrMum: 1-EDGELORD!???? 2-Wtf I’m burning in hell?  
Bthbmbcrnch has changed UrMums name to EdgeLord  
EdgeLord: Thanks and all but I’m still burning in hell...  
SnazzJazz has changed the chats name to BuRnInG iN hElL  
SnazzJazz: Happy?  
Bthbmbcrnch: Lmao why?  
EdgeLord: I guess...?  
SnazzJazz: Good now SHUT THE HELL UP. I’m trying to sleep but my phone is blasting of every FUCKUN SECEND  
Bthbmbcrnch: *Off* *Fucking* *Second* :)  
EdgeLord: Mute it then you salty ho  
SnazzJazz: I hate you so much Connor John Murphy  
Bthbmbcrnch: Save the tea for later, I’m getting a Capri Sun  
EdgeLord: We won’t miss you :)  
MomFriend: Zoe, Connor stop fighting. Jared get the drink and then go to bed.

Treeboi:......Wgat is happaning?

EdgeLord: EV HI!  
SnazzJazz: CONNOR YOU TWIG <:(  
EdgeLord: SHUT IT  
MomFriend: WHY DON’T WE ALL GET ALONG  
Treeboi: skskskjddjkakwjfkd  
MomFriend: ....  
SnazzJazz: ......  
EdgeLord: ......  
Bthbmbcrnch: Lmao he died of ligma EdgeLord: JAREDYOUTHICKCRACKERYOURUINEDTHECHAIN  
Bthbmbcrnch has changed their name to Thicc Cracc  
Thicc Cracc: Serious talk I’m dying help?!!?!< EdgeLord: Yee haw MomFriend: What did you do?  
SnazzJazz: WHAT???  
Thicc Cracc: I got a Capri Sun off of the kitchen sink, and I bit into the straw hole thing (I can never open it) and it tasted sour??  
Thicc Cracc: I have eaten soap and stuff before (don’t ask) so I kinda know what it tastes like, and I think I swallowed bleach or something!???!??!??!  
SnazzJazz: YOU EAT FUCKING SOAP? EdgeLord: Wait lmao yesterday when we were at your house and we were washing up that Capri Sun was on the sink...  
Thicc Cracc: oh  
Thicc Cracc: FUCK  
SnazzJazz: I’m crying help  
MomFriend: Jared wash it down with water. Everyone else go to sleep, we have school tomorrow remember?  
Thicc Cracc: You’re not my mom lol  
SnazzJazz: DON’T BE RUDE TO HER OR I WILL KILL YOU  
EdgeLord: Gaydar 100%  
MomFriend: Why.....  
EdgeLord: ;)

Bthbmbcrnch: Lol I’m gonna go play Roblox, See ya noobs  
SnazzJazz: Why did you add us?


	2. You're Blocked Pal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lmao I haven't updated in ninety years but I was dying these past few days. I'm back though so hopefully I'll be able to add a good few chapters. This chapters deals with bullying and violence and as usual I hope you all have a great day and remember to sub to Pewdiepie!  
> Thanks

You're Blocked Pal

1:15 EdgeLord: Why is school so long¿¿??

SnazzJazz: Honestly idk

Thicc Cracc: Missing your husband Connor?

EdgeLord: Yes Kleinman Yes 

Thicc Cracc: It's Klienman but okay sure...

MomFriend: What's wrong with Ev anyways?

EdgeLord: He rang me and said he has a stomach bug or smthing

SnazzJazz: Should we visit him!?!?!!?

MomFriend: It might be contagious Zo.

SnazzJazz: Tru

Killme: JARED GET THE FUCK DOWN FROM THE TABLE

Thicc Cracc: MAKE ME YOU PANSY

MomFriend: What

SnazzJazz: Are

Killme: You

Thicc Cracc: Doing

MomFriend: In

SnazzJazz: My

Killme: Swamp

Thicc Cracc: AWW I WANTED TO SAY SWAMP uWU

Killme: Suck on it

Thicc Cracc: Lol no stop cheating on Ev

1:25 Killme has blocked Thicc Cracc

Thicc Cracc: Damn u salty

SnazzJazz has blocked Thicc Cracc

Thicc Cracc: I didn't need u anyways

MomFriend has blocked Thicc Cracc

Thicc Cracc: Takin "grammar has left the groupchat" to a new level damn

Thicc Cracc: :(((((

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jared looked down at his phone and grinned. He glanced at Connor who was glaring at some maths test. Jared sighed and shot his eyes around the class. Every single student had their head craned over the sheet. Jared was sure he could see the desperation pouring off of everyone. The teacher was sitting at the top of the class on her phone. She furrowed her eyebrows and gave Jared the "Do your work right now otherwise there's gonna be trouble" look. Jared smirked and looked at the test. Connor was tapping his pen against the table. Jared couldn't concentrate at all. He ripped out a sheet of paper and wrote " _SHUT UP"_ on it. Jared was just about to throw it at Connor when a loud _BRINGGGG_ caused him to jump. Saved by the bell. As Jared sat next to the speaker his ears were engulfed in a loud ringing sensation. Jared cursed under his breath and started throwing all of his books in his bag. Connor stood up and nudged his shoulder. He rolled his eyes at Jared (Who was frantically shoving his geography book in the side of his sack) "I'll meet up with you guys in the cafeteria, later" Then he trudged out of the room and Jared was left alone. Alone. Lovely

~~~~~~~~~~~

SnazzJazz has unblocked Thicc Cracc. Mom Friend has unblocked Thicc Cracc. Edgelord has unblocked Thicc Cracc. 

MomFriend: See you all at lunch! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jared walked into the hall. He heard footsteps and whispers around him and felt butterflies in his stomach. Weird. The footsteps became louder as someone drew nearer. Before Jared knew it, he was surrounded by a group of older kids. Jared gulped and fearfully looked up. 5 tall seniors were trapping him in front of a locker. Jared was sure he recognized at least two of them but the rest?.... Jared felt his palms turn sweaty. Without being able to process anything he was pushed, no shoved into a metal locker. His eyes were blurry and he felt dizzy. Blood dripped down his head... slowly.... dripping until it splattered on his new shirt. He rubbed his shirt and looked at his fingers. They were the colour of strawberry jam. Jared felt sick. He pulled his knees up to his chest and made eye contact with one of the guys in the gang. His heart was thumping fast. "If you tell anyone about this, I will fucking KILL YOU" a voice echoed. He was slammed into the locker one more time and curled up waiting there nervously trying not to cry. Eventually he heard footsteps and laughter run away. Jared hauled himself up and groggily sprinted into the bathroom. He went in front of the mirror. It was covered in condensation. Jared wiped it with a tissue and stared into his reflection. His head was cut and he had a forming bruise on his cheek. The blood was half dried in. Greasy hair, eye bags, acne. Not very beautiful is it? He cleaned up and sat there for a few minutes taking in the silence. Jared checked his phone. 1:40. He better get going if he wants lunch. Jared sighed and cautiously walked to his lunch table. A grinning Zoe and Alana were chatting away as Jared slumped into his seat. The conversation flew past him as he became more engulfed in his thoughts.

Would he actually be killed?

Were they just trying to scare him?

God he shouldn't have just sat there like a fucking fool. 

Jared felt his eyes water and spill. He became interested in a tear that was rolling slowy down his cheekbone. ."Jared?" "Are you ok bud? " Jared shrugged and glanced at a worried Alana and Zoe. They tilted their heads. Before anyone could question anything their phones all buzzed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Killme: Where are y'all sitting?

Killme: Damn this is more confusing than my life.

Thicc Cracc: Connor you brick wall we're sitting by the Trash cans.

Killme: Where you belong loser...

~~~~~~~~~~

Jared laughed but felt a lump in his throat. Does... Does Connor really hate him? He looked up at his friends. Connor had (thankfully) found his way to the table and was dramatically falling on Zoe screaming “THIS IS FUCKING LAME.” Many students were giving cold stares in their directions but none of the other three cared. Zoe was rolling her eyes and was pushing Connor off of her mumbling something like " Is God scared of us?" while Alana was softly smiling at their banter. Jared grinned ignoring the pain in his head.

It probably wouldn't happen again 

Not that big of a deal... 

Was it? 


	3. 2:58 Existential Hour ft Connor Murphy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Howdy. I'm trying to add as much chapters as possible so here's another one. I have no life lol. So in this chapter it will be dealing with self hate, mental illness, mental breakdown??? (Damn I'm messed up lmao)  
> Love y'all and please stay safe. I hope you all have a great morning/evening/night  
> ~Thanks

2:00

MomFriend: Goodnight everybody!

SnazzJazz: Night Lana!

Thicc Cracc: Night losers

2:58

Killme: The way the world works is so strange isn't it?

Killme: How it makes someone ill (Ev for example.) It just picks random people. Like a twisted board game.

Killme: There are millions, billions of people on Earth.

Killme: Nobody would notice if someone died or disappeared.

Killme: Why should I be smiling when someone across the world could be taking their last smile?

Killme: Fuck this I'm out

Killme has left the groupchat

Connor switched off his phone and turned on his rickety lamp. Squinting at his clock he saw a blurry 3:05. It felt like years since time passed. Connor rolled onto side and glanced at the wall. It was plain. Cold. Bleak. Sighing he looked up at the ceiling. _Better try and sleep._

**~~~~~~**

Around five minutes later Connor gave up trying. He **wouldn't** sleep. He **couldn't** sleep. He **shouldn't** sleep. Connor sat up and quietly jumped out of bed. He grabbed the same old grey hoodie on his floor and pulled it on. He crept over to the window. Last year Larry got a key for it to make sure that Connor wouldn't sneak out but it was pretty easy to find. Connor undid the latch on his window and pushed it open. He sat on the soaking windowsill and stared out. The stars were bright and the air was frosty, biting at his face. Sure the sight was pretty and all but how the hell was he supposed to get down? There was a black pit of uncertain darkness hanging underneath his feet, dangling from the windowsill. Connor fumbled with his phone, trying to open it until he saw "Try again in 5 minutes. " Connor cursed and looked down again. There was an old dirty drainpipe, barely visible, hanging down the side of the house. _Its worth a try?_

Connor carefully placed a foot on the drainpipe. A loud creaking noise scared him and nearly caused him to fall off. Luckily Connor regained his balance and kept on skilfully scaling down the wall. Another dangerous impulse to keep him alive. Until finally he was on the ground. Solid steady ground. Connor started walking into the cold night. Regretting where the world was taking him. 

3:10

_Walking_

3:11

_Shiver_

3:12

Regret

3:13

**Buzz**

~~~~

Connor grabbed his phone out of his pocket and looked at it

3:14

Thicc Cracc has added Killme to the groupchat

Thicc Cracc: Damn that was a hell of a rant lmao

SnazzJazz: JARED I WILL SNAP YOUR NECK TOMORROW FOR WAKING ME UP

SnazzJazz: Wait what rant?

Thicc Cracc: Scroll up Zo

SnazzJazz: Crap

SnazzJazz: Connor are you ok? I'm coming in to check on you dude.

~~~~~

Connor bit his lip. He's such a bad brother. Zoe cared so much about him. She always tried to help him so much. She'd freak out and text Jared, Alana and Ev...

Ev.

He's always been so good to Connor. But he worried so much and because of this his anxiety could worsen. And since the others love Evan so much they'd stick with him and hate Connor. Then he'd be alone.... alone. Normal people do this. Normal people don't sneak out at 3:00 in the night. Normal people don't lash out at everyone. Normal people don't take drugs to make sure that they don't fucking kill themselves. Normal people don't... do anything Connor does.

Connor was sobbing now. He sunk down in the lashing rain. He sunk so low.... He was sitting in a puddle on the street. How pathetic. He was soaked through to the skin. God this was such a bad idea. What next? He could text his friends. He could say he needed someone. 

**But Zoe doesn't care**

**Alana doesn't care**

**Jared doesn't care**

**Evan doesn't care**

**Nobody cares**

****He was scratching his arms now. There were red beads forming on his pale skin. He felt like he was going to throw up. Connor kept on sobbing until his vision turned

**Black...**


	4. I’ll always catch you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Howdy! I’m back, ik it’s been weeks. Oof. There will be fluff and good sibling content in this cuz why the hell not... Enjoy and I hope you have a good day/night!

_Anger_

Trust me, it’s not an emotion Zoe Murphy feels often. But as she closes the scratched door of her older brothers room she feels it. A red demon clawing inside her. Somethings tapping on the inside of her crazy mind whispering “ _It’s his fault, isn’t it?_ She wants to claw out her brain, split it in two parts.

Zoe never gets it. How come she never gets to be mad? Never gets to scream, cry or freak out? For all she could know Connor could be dead. The wild rage was quickly being replaced by a thick, dark cloud of anxiety. Her mind was spinning. _Surely he wouldn’t.....do anything?_ Zoe grabbed a star patterned scrunchie and tied her hair up in a ponytail. Her jacket was hanging off of the bottom of her bed. She threw it over her shoulders and quietly opened her bedroom door. She whispered _dammit Connor_ before turning on her phone flashlight, walking into the waves of uncertainty.

The house was so quiet. It was 3:21. Her parents would be gone at 6:30 anyways, off to some business meeting. They always leave, never stay. Zoe stood on her toes to reach the keys. She remembered when a younger version of herself, tried to run away. It happened because she didn’t get a princess doll. Connor took the keys and wouldn’t let her leave the house. Then before their parents came back, he shoved Zoe in her room and put the keys back, to stop her from getting in trouble. _That was something_ _I guess?_ Zoe pushed open the door and shut it behind her. It made no sound luckily. And there she was, walking in the pouring rain at 3:24 in the morning. On a wild goose chase for her older brother. _Lovely_

Around 30 minutes later, Zoe was still walking. The rain was getting heavier along with her mood. She felt guilty. It’s not Connors fault. Zoe was just going to give up when she saw a dark figure, collapsed in a stormy puddle. She felt worried. The person was probably drunk.

Zoe carefully leant forward and tapped the person on their back. The person mumbled and Zoe lunged back. The person stood up and shook their head. Zoe held her breath. 

_Connor?_

She gasped and pulled him into a hug. “Wh...what?” Connors voice shook, crumbling like a tsunami hitting a town. “It’s me” Zoe half whispered. “Why am I here? Why..why are _you_ here?” 

“Hey I’ll always catch you”


	5. Hot chocolate makes everything better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi yes I'm a sucker for fluff.  
> 1 day till Christmas damn I'm excited!  
> Hope you enjoy this and I hope you all have a good night/day!  
> Love y'all  
> JK  
> I'm editing this and I'm thinking of adding angst  
> Suffer :)

_Walking_

_More walking_

_Still walking_

_The rain started slowly falling, down, powerfully._

Zoe Murphy felt a fire in her chest. Not a raging fire, a burning heat you feel sitting on a campsite. But the winter weather was blowing down the fire. After all it was 3:59 in the morning. Connor must have felt her shiver because without hesitation he unzipped the grey hoodie and threw it in her direction. Zoe looked at him. His hair was already soaking wet. Thunder roared from the distance. There was still so much to walk. 

_Zoe Murphy was scared_

She remembered whenever thunder would roar, she would run into Connors room and hide under his bed. Connor gave a small smile and asked "Want a piggyback?" She nodded. 

Around five minutes later they were back at the house. Zoe half fell off of Connors back. He laughed and opened the door. Once they walked inside warm air blew them away. Zoe walked into her room and threw on a pair of old pajamas. She could hear Connor messing around in the kitchen. Zoe crept out. Connor was sitting in one of the chairs, his head slumped on the table. She went over and shook him. Connor jumped and glanced up. "Hey you seem uh pretty cozy here but I'd suggest sleeping on the couch instead." 

Zoe dragged him to the couch. He lounged on the chair for a few seconds before looking up. " Zo would you uh mind doing a braid in my hair? " Zoe grinned and grabbed a hairbrush. She skilfully wrapped the hair in neat formation. She was used to doing this as a kid. Larry always hated his long hair but Zoe loved it. They would always play dress up. After a few minutes she finished it. Connor grinned and awkwardly mumbled "I was going to get into more comfy clothes or something and I was wondering if you could make hot chocolate?" 

Zoe grapped a pot from the cupboard. She poured in milk and two teaspoons of coca powder. She stirred it all together, feeling the sweet nostolgia of her childhood. The fuzzy bright emotions before any storms came crashing down. She turned on her phone and opened her calm Playlist. The milk was boiling, not yet ready though. Zoe closed her eyes. She felt herself slowly sink into sleep. "You thought me the courage of stars before you left..." Zoe woke up. She was half laid on the couch. A cup of hot chocolate laid on the table. There was a fluffy blanket on her. She slowly sat up and rubbed her eyes. Connor was humming softly in the corner of the sitting room. He was curled into one of the armchairs. "You're awake?" Zoe yawned slightly "Uh yeah" Connor smiled at her. "You fell asleep and I had to carry you onto the couch so thank me" Zoe rolled her eyes "Thanks mom" Connor laughed loudly. Then there was voices from upstairs. Zoe could hear a familiar cold voice. A few footsteps. Their parents! They forgot about them. Zoe felt nauseated. She felt terrified of what would happen. Her eyes watered slightly. She glanced at Connor. He looked at her and gave a smile that was supposed to be comforting but ended up looking like he wanted to cry too. She could hear them coming down the Fancy marble tiled stairs. It was too late now. Larry came into the room first, Cynthia trailed behind him. Larry looked at the two. They were still wet from the walk and the rain. It was obvious that they had been outside. His face slowly started turning red. Zoe winced and prepared herself for the fight. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING UP" "YOU ARE SOAKED THROUGH" "THIS WAS YOU WASN'T IT" Larry's voice was harsh. He glared at Connor. Connor glared back. "No we went out for a walk." "A WALK AT FOUR O CLOCK IN THE MORNING, ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?" "THIS IS WHY YOU'RE A DISGRACE CONNOR MURPHY" Connor stayed silent. Zoe knew everything. After every fight he'd go to his room and pull out a stash of weed that he had hidden in his desk. He'd light up his room. And Zoe could hear him cry and sob. Sometimes he'd sneak out and go to Evan other times he'd just sit on his bed and stare up at the ceiling. It scared Zoe. To not know what her brother was going to do. He could try and kill himself for all she could know. "ZOE LOUSIE MURPHY I DIDN'T EXPECT THIS FROM YOU EITHER, YOU ARE RUINING OUR REPUTATION. " Don't talk to her like that. " " What did you say... " " I said don't you dare talk to her like that Larry" Larry came up really close next to Connors face. Zoe knew what was going to happen. She jumped up and pushed Larry. "Don't you ever EVER touch him or I will kill YOU!" Larry looked at her. He seemed shocked. He stared at Cynthia who nodded and grabbed their bags. "We will be leaving in a few minutes BUT WE WILL TALK ABOUT THIS WHEN WE ARE BACK" And then he walked out the door. Cynthia looked at the two and smiled sadly. She ruffled Connors hair and pulled Zoe in for a hug. She went over a few rules and then walked out the door too. The second the door slammed Connor walked over to Zoe. "Hey that was pretty cool" "Pretty cool...?" Connor sighed "Ugh fine you saved my life' Zoe grinned at him and hugged him. Connor hesitated at first but then hugged her back. They made pancakes and watched movies for the rest of the day. She finally felt like she had her brother back. 

She felt something

It was about time


	6. How to resolve an argument....

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is gonna be angsty yee haw. Idk why I love angst so much lmao. Sit in, grab your popcorn and get prepared for draMA. What am I doing oml  
> T. W  
> Panic attacks, arguing and illness  
> Stay safe!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello I'm back! I've been quite sick and stuff for the past like week. Also I haven't been feeling very good mentally so oof. But I'm here and I have a chapter. Sorry for the delay...  
> I hope you all have a great morning/evening/night  
> Love y'all and thanks for reading  
> <3

Edgelord: Yo how do I resolve an argument help... 

SnazzJazz: Connor what did you do now lol

Edgelord: Zoe this is serious shut it

Thicc Cracc: This is probably the only time I will say this..... SaMe

SnazzJazz: Jerk

Thicc Cracc: :))))

MomFriend: Connor who did you get in a fight with, are you hurt?? 

Edgelord: Thank you Alana, No I am not hurt and I got in a fight with Ev

Thicc Cracc: CONNOR WHAT DID U DO

SnazzJazz: I swear to god if you scared him I will kill you.... 

MomFriend: Please explain Connor 

Edgelord: Uh ok

Edgelord: Do u know the way that Evan is more anxious lately. He is apparently "sick" and he's obviously not doing well

SnazzJazz: Yes? 

Edgelord: This could be a stretch but fuck it. I feel like he's faking being sick so he can't go to school and therapy. I'm pretty damn worried about him

Edgelord: He won't take my help, it's so bloody frustrating. 

Thicc Cracc: wowowowowowowowowo

MomFriend: Did you say all of that to him!???

Edgelord: Yes...

SnazzJazz: Connor I think you should apologise.

Edgelord: How? 

MomFriend: Express your concern, respect his privacy and make food? Food always helps. 

Thicc Cracc: I'm agreeing With Lana here

Edgelord: M'kay I'll try

Thicc Cracc: Text us back after you two make out....

SnazzJazz: Jared I swear to god I'll block you. 

MomFriend: You are insane Jared. 

Connor turned off his phone and sighed. Evan was upstairs, he could hear his heavy breathing. _I mean what the fuck?_ Evan had been sick for a few days. It was always the same answer. "I'll be in school tomorrow" and "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine" It's pretty obvious he wouldn't be. Connor looked down at his nails. They were chapped, all the nail polish peeling off. He really needed to ask Zoe to do them again. Connor stood up and crept up the stairs. He could hear Evan sighing. It sounded like he was in pain. Besides Evans groaning, the entire house was silent. Connor knocked on his door. He heard a small "Come in." Connor walked in, almost falling over his bag. Evan's room was super messy. There was clothes and textbooks strewn everywhere. Evan was sitting on his bed. His eyes were red and he had a indecipherable look on his face. _Good job Connor, you can't even read your boyfriend_. "W.. What do you w-ant?" 

"Evan I want to help you" 

"I don't need he-"

Evan winced his breathing quickened and he clutched his stomach. Panic attack. Connor started panicking himself too, he hated seeing Evan break down. Evan was closing in on himself. Connor knelt down infront of him. "Evan breathe please, look and copy me" It wasn't helping. Dammit. "Can I hug you?" Evan gave a small nod. Connor gently tugged him into his arms. Evan was boiling and shaking. Connor knew he had to do something. "Evan name five things you can see", "uh.. You, my hands, the wallpaper, m.. my notes and um.. my jacket." 

"Good" 

Evan was clutching onto Connor. "Connor don't leave pl..please" It broke his heart. "Hey I'm not gonna leave just tell me what's wrong"  
"My stomach's really sore.." Ok this could be bad. "Anything else?" Evan spaced out for a minute before saying "Uhm I have a bad headache, I couldn't eat without throwing up, and I'm really warm" Oh god. "Ev I'll call the others ok?" Evan started shaking again. He looked like he couldn't breathe. Connor dialed Zoes number

(Others Pov)

They were supposed to be working on an English project. All together in Jared's House. Zoe suggested to put on some background noise which resulted in them watching 2 full seasons of friends. Zoe was curled up next to Alana while Jared was sitting alone in the other end of the couch. He threw a Dorito at Zoe. "Dude what the fuck?" Zoe jumped up and started "attacking" Jared. "You were falling asleep, we need to do the project remember??" Alana rolled her eyes. "One more episode!?" "Fine Zoe"  
Even though Zoe wanted to watch Friends she got bored halfway through and started talking again.  
"So do you think they made up?"  
"I don't know Connor still hasn't texted me"  
Suddenly some jazz music started playing. Jared looked confused until he saw Connors name on the screen. Zoe grinned and put him on loudspeaker.

"Call 911 please"

All the smiles dripped off. Alana sat up immediately concerned.

"What happened!?"

"Uh its Ev, he had a really bad panic attack and is really sick, I'm trying to calm him down"

Now that Zoe thinks about it she can hear Evans shaky breathing.

Alana spoke up

"I'll call them"

She walked out and shut the door. The others sat in silence. Evans whimpering was the only sound. After a few minutes Alana came back. "They said they'll be there in a couple of minutes."

"Thank you so so much, I'll go see if I can get Evan to sit up now"

The phone call ended

Jared got up and walked to the door. "Come on you two" Zoe sniffled "H..huh?"  
Jared grabbed Zoe by the wrist and pulled her up" Alana was glaring at him. "Jared what are you doing?"  
"Connor can't deal with this alone, so let's get there before the ambulance does. Alana nodded and got up, Zoe following her. They sat in the car." C'mon let's go save Ev"

(Evans Pov)

Evan could hear sirens and Connors soothing voice. There was a loud knock on the door. He flinched and pulled his knees up to his chest. Connor smiled sadly at him " Don't worry that's the others" Evan smiled at him. It wasn't fair on Connor doing all of this for him. He's such a burden. Zoe, Alana and Jared burst in the door. Connor had to drag Zoe out because she jumped on Evan. Alana gave him a soft hug. Jared tried cracking a few jokes. Zoe grabbed him some water and Connor was holding him tight. Evan felt dizzy, everything started fading.

Then he blacked out.


	7. Blinding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello humans.  
> This chapter is gonna be about Evans awakening.(He didn’t die lmao) It’s going to be pretty damm fluffy so don’t you worry. No trigger warning for this one pals!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya girl is back! She has been in a sense of being cripplingly unmotivated for the past like week ooF. I felt hella guilt for not adding chapters but I kept procrastinating so?!!? I am going to try to upload more though so DON’T U WORRY  
> Enjoy and I hope you all have an amazing night or morning or whatever!  
> Sub to Pewdipie

“What if he’s dead?”

”He’s not dead you idiot,if he was the beepy thing would go off”

”Shut up Jared”

”Fuck you Murphy”

”Zoe...are you crying?”

”Zo?”

”Oh Zo come here!”

”Thanks Lana”

”You two are so gay what the hell”

Evan opened his eyes. The lights were blinding him. He was stuck in a soft cotton bedsheet. For the past few minutes he was lying down and listening to them talking. He didn’t remember much. All he could feel was a throbbing pain in his side. But he was in a hospital? Evan hated hospitals especially.....especially after last year. Evan tried to push the memory out of his head. He didn’t want to sit up and disturb them. Hell he probably scared them so much already. It’s not their fault that he’s sick, they shouldn’t bother about him. And what about his mom. She works in this hospital right? God what if she’s his nurse!? She would be crying and asking Evan why he didn’t say that he was sick. Then he'd scream and say she was never around. She'd cry and knock on his door trying to get him to come out. He could have died. Just because he thought it wasn’t a problem. It's not like anyone else is the problem. He is the one that’s a problem. It's attention seeking and self centered. None of his problems are real. His panic attacks are just overreacting, the tree incident last year was so fucking selfish and whenever he lays down on his bed and stares up at the plain white ceiling, wondering what it would be like if he disappeared, hoping someone just someone would notice or even care is just being dramatic. He's just a waste if space practically begging to be in the spotlight. He started breathing too loudly. “...Evan?" Fuck 

”YOU”RE ALIVE!”

”DUDE YOU SCARED US SO MUCH”

”We missed you!”

Zoe was hugging him tightly. He felt teardrops fall on his arm. Alana was wiping her eyes trying to be formal along with Jared who was cracking some corny joke. Connor was sitting in the corner of the room with a guilty expression, he was staring into the floor. Looking at his shoes. It looked like they all hadn’t slept for years. They shouldn’t care so much. He wasn't worth caring for anyways. 

”I swear to god don’t ever do that to us again”

Evan nodded. It felt so weird talking to them again. At least they're glad he's alive right? Even though Evan was exhausted there was still one thing he needed to know.

”W..what happened”

Alana was the first one to speak. She took a sip of water, cleared her throat, coughed then launched into a ramble of events. That was too much for Evan to keep up with. 

”Connor called us, he said you had a really bad panic attack and that you were sick. I called the ambulance and Jared, Zoe and I drove over to your house. When we came inside Connor was pacing up and down the floor. He kept saying that it was all his fault over and over again. We tried to calm him down but it didn’t work. You were curled up in a ball, mumbling something about your stomach. You were... so pale it was terrifying. We couldn't touch you because you would just flinch away. We put a blanket over Connor because he was shaking so much. We just didn't know what to do really. After a few minutes the ambulance came and we went to the hospital. It turned out you had a burst appendix and that you were in danger. Zoe was sobbing and Jared looked like he was going to collapse. We all thought you were going to die. Then after a night of waiting and stress, the doctors said you were going to be okay. It was such...such a relief. So we spent two days in the hospital hoping that you were going to wake up. At one point the nurses had to drag us out to get some food in the cafeteria. Hospital food sucks by the way." Alana let out a shaky laugh before continuing. "We kept on waiting for you to speak or breathe or just do something. And you did....” Her voice broke off. 

Alana started crying. Zoe ran over and pulled her into a warm hug. Jared started mocking them. They got in a big fight over who’s the gayest. Evan noticed something about Alana. He noticed that she had the same way of rambling and stammering. The way she blushes red when attention is brought to her. And that made Evan feel less alone. While they were screaming Connor sat down next to Evan. They sat in silence until Connor softly took Evans hand.

“Evan I’m really really sorry, it was so horrible of me. I wasn’t thinking properly, I was just so worried that you had a relapse or that you felt like you were going to let go again” Evan gulped and felt the familiar feeling of nerves coursing through his veins. “I just don’t want to lose you and I understand if you hate me because I’ve said so much wrong things.”

”It doesn’t matter”

”It doesn’t?”

”No because I said some pretty bad stuff to you too that night Connor but I love you”

”.....”

”I’m never going to stop loving you, I know that you were worried about me now. I appreciate you so much”

”Thanks Evan”

Evan pulled Connor into a gentle kiss while Jared started shouting THATS GAY. Connor pushed him over while Evan grinned. This is just perfect. The rest of the night was a blur. Zoe was playing her guitar while Connor was singing a song he wrote. Alana caught Evan up on all of his missed assignments. Jared brought his Wii U with him that they connected to a tv in the room. For the rest of the night the four of them played random games and ate food that “Comes from hell” according to Connor. Just before they had to leave Connor knelt down next to Evan. “Hey here’s some gifts or whatever that we got you” then he gave Evan a small hug before walking out of the door. Evans phone almost immediately started going off because of texts from the groupchat. Evan put his phone on silent and tore open the wrapping paper. Alana gave him a book about trees. Zoe gave him a fluffy blue sweater. Jared got him a new notebook. And Connor gave him a silver plant bracelet with a new phone case. Then there was a card from all of them. It read

**Hey tree guy! I miss you so much dude. It sucks that your sick. I don’t have anyone to trade tree facts with now. So sad :( And there’s nobody to shut Jared up ugh. Also I can’t wait to just be able to chat with you again. I’ll be pretty cool because you’re an amazing dude. You’ve helped me and Connor so much. I mean one year ago we didn’t even talk to eachother without starting a fight. I used to be so fucking terrified of him. But then you came along. You changed everything and I hope you know that Evan Hansen. Get well soon ~ Zoe**

**Hello Evan. I hope you are feeling much better. We all love you a lot. It feels so weird with you missing. I am definitely going to bring you notes to catch up because I know you’d be panicking otherwise. Please come back Jared’s going to be the death of us all! ~ Alana**

**Hey Evan my dude. Get better and whatever. YOU MISSED OUT ON SO MUCH MEMES. Also pls come back because I think Zoe wants to kill me lmao. I have nobody to win at video games with :((( Come back bby ~ Jared**

**Hey Ev. I still feel really guilty for the fight. I hope you can forgive me. It feels so lonely without you around. Everyone is feeling it. You’re the only one who ever understood me and the one who always knows how to take care of me so I hope I can do the same back. I’m not trying to be all like “It’s going to work out” bullshit because not everything goes to plan but hopefully this will. So talk to me anytime and remember that I love you very much and so does Alana, Jared and Zoe. I’ll stay by you while you’re getting better don’t worry. I’ll always be here for you. Get better soon ~ Connor**

Evan felt himself tear up. This felt nice. It felt so nice knowing people care. He just hoped that feeling sticks around.


	8. Spill all in your mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HI IM HERE WITH HALF EDGE HALF FLUFF CUZ WHY THE FUCK NOT SKSKSK. So basically Heidi finds out that Evan is in the hospital, freaks out and they have a nice lil chat together.  
> Tw: Abuse?  
> Illness again SKSKS  
> Stay safe i love you!  
> <3

* * *

Heidi was exhausted. She couldn't wait to go home and just relax for once, but for the next few hours she'll be stuck being the desk waiting, just incase anybody needs assistance. It wasn't always this way. She used to work in a small shop down the corner of the road. Evan used to come with her and... Mark. Mark used to hug Evan and call him his little Wolverine. Evan used to grin while chomping on sweets from behind the register. Until eventually it all changed. Mark got more violent. Mad? Upset? Bored? And he insisted that they move half way up the country to be closer to his job at the time. Evan got more nervous around people then. It was her biggest mistake to not worry about him then. The only friend he had was Jared. Even though Evan used to cry a lot when he came back from Jared's.... Mark always told him to "Man the fuck up!" Heidi could never stop him no matter how hard she tried. It was rough being a mother. She always felt like she never had a map. No clues on how to work this out. No clue how to stop Mark from seeing that woman after work.... Then a few years later Mark freaked out. They had a fighting match for hours over nothing really. It started when Mark came home drunk. It always happened. While they were screaming, Evan had a really bad panic attack and Mark just shoved him against a wall screaming "WHY CAN'T YOU MAKE ME PROUD OF YOU" Of course Heidi kicked him out after that. She couldn't bear to have anybody talk to her son like that. So he left. Then Evan started getting really bad anxiety. Heidi soon realised that she couldn't be there all the time because she got a new job as a nurse. Everything has just been worse from there...... "Heidi?" Heidi jumped and dropped her pen on the floor. "Um yes?" One of the nurses (Sarah she thinks her name is) said "Can you please check up on patient 203," handed her the document and left. Heidi grabbed her pen and sighed, looked through the page.

_Name: Evan Hansen_

_Age: 17_

_In for: Appendicitis_

_Risk: Low_

_Parents: Mark Hansen, Heidi Hansen_

_Past treatment: Fever, Suicide attempt and bug_

_Health issues: GAD disorder and depression_

Heidi stopped breathing. She half ran to the room and knocked on it. Sure enough the honey voice she knew answered with a small "Come in" Heidi was sure that she could hear Connor, Zoe, Alana and Jared's voices too. She pushed open the door. Evans face turned pale the second he saw her. The others went quiet. "I think we better go now" Zoe whispered and patted Evan on the shoulder. Connor kissed Evan softly before walking out of the door. Jared high fived him and Alana gave him a quick hug before going. Then it was just the two of them. Heidi wanted to run across the room and pull him into a bear hug. She just wanted to reach out to him but she doesn't know how. She's failed as a mother. Evan looked like he was struggling for words to say too. 

"I'm sorry mom"

Heidi briskly walked over and sat down on the bed. Evan looked at her. Then she pulled him into a soft but firm hug. "I didn't know you were sick sweetie. It's my fault. You did look quite unwell but I just thought you were tired." Evan nodded. "Uh yeah an ambulance brought me here. The others came with me. I didn't uh didn't tell you so it's not your fault. I meanitsallmyfaultimsostupidideservedthissorrysorrysorr-

Heidi grabbed his hand "Evan this is not your fault hon" She stumbled for words. He just....is so scared all the time. "Remember when your dad went away in that old U haul truck of his." Evan bobbed his head like he was not trusting himself to speak. "Well once he was gone I remember feeling so scared that I wouldn't be able to raise you on my own. Everything felt so big and I... I felt so small" Evan smiled sadly. "I remember one night when I was tucking you into bed, you sat up and asked if another truck was coming to take me away!" But no matter what I'll always be here for you Evan. No matter how big or small you feel." Heidi started crying. Evan pulled her in and started mumbling " I love you" Heidi wiped her eyes and grabbed her bag. 

"Well who wants to watch the new nature documentary I bought!"

Evan laughed. Heidi liked hearing his laugh after so long. 


End file.
